Keeping It Real....

I'm going to post something that I don't think a lot of people realize, and I know it isn't talked about too much in adoption circles.... but I'm gonna be pretty transparent here.

So many people have emailed or called and talked about the packing and stress of it, and have always mentioned the excitement that goes along with it. I have to admit, I'm not the type of person that gets excited a whole lot before a trip. Maybe it's my worrisome nature, but with SO many things to think about, the thought of having this adoption finally come to fruition is not even on the forefront of my mind. All the details are....

Aside from that personality quirk, it's not exactly excitement I'm feeling... (though I may get there on the plane).... quite truthfully I'm scared. Yes, scared is definitely the emotion I can most readily relate to right now. This little guy is going to be coming with us, and I want to smother him with love and hugs and kisses and comfort. But I have some many unknowns.... will he bond with us? Will he attach? Will he even accept all those hugs and kisses? What will he be like when we first have him in our custody at the apartment? Will we be able to communicate? Will he pick up language pretty quickly? Will he bond to our boys? Will he eat and drink alright? Will he do okay in a stroller? Will he sit alright in the car seat on the plane? Will I be able to comfort him as he wonders about the scary long plane ride we are on? (I'll certainly be trying!!) Plus so many other unknowns....

I'm sure this stuff is pretty normal, and I remember going to the hospital to deliver my first child and being pretty scared of the unknown too. Particularly the pain of childbirth.... It was a few months afterward that I realized that while childbirth is really hard work.... the hardest (and most rewarding) work is actually in the trenches raising your children. I was asked to speak that Mother's day in my church from the perspective of a new mother. What I shared was there were so many women more capable than I to speak on the subject of motherhood....many who had been in the trenches for years and were clearly role models to me. I recognized like I said, that the act of giving birth and the 9 months leading up to that were difficult, the mettle testing and growing comes in caring for that child. Learning to put aside sleep for those frequent night waking to feed or for comfort. Learning to carry that child on your back during the 5 o'clock melt down so you could actually cook a dinner. Learning to be consistent when your child buckles his legs and goes limp on you because he doesn't want to hold your hand across the street. Learning to stick to what you say, when you have to leave a favorite playground because your child will not be obedient. Even though it would be soooo much easier to give in just so you can have a 1/2 hour to actually talk to an adult!

All those things are good and hard, and things I have learned along the journey. But they haven't come alone. Mixed liberally in there, have been a plethora of love moments, full of joy and hugs and kisses and snuggles and memories! As I look back, I can see how motherhood has shaped me and grown me as a person. But as I head to the "hospital" to deliver this 2 year old baby, the doubts kick in.... and I wonder about all the unknowns.....

It's times like these that I need to lean on God's wisdom and strength. Two verses that I have been clinging to this week are: "I can do all things with Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 NIV and "For God has not given you a Spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind." 2Timothy 1:7 KJV

All the unknowns will soon be "known"..... and then there will be more unknowns... because life is always full of them. I guess it's all in how you choose to handle them, because for me.... God always seems to grow me during times like these. And I'm always grateful (after the fact). :-)