The trials and joys of transition....

I have to share that my friend Christina's husband has coined a term in our corner of blogland and I really really like it. He calls it Stepford Blogging. Where like the movie Stepford Wives, a blogger posts only about their perfect little world.... perfect family, perfect kids, perfect job... etc etc. Where everything is going well all the time. The flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, and Mr. Bluebird is singing on my shoulder...

I don't like blogs like that. I recently shared with a girlfriend that I was getting ready to post a "real" post about our adoption transition. What I meant by that was keeping it "real", or authentic. Yes, many days we have snapshots of great fun and adorable cuteness and yes even J-O-Y! Lots of joy in the midst of everything. But I would be remiss in not sharing that this transition has been much more difficult than I anticipated, and that I am still trying to find my feet through it all. Some days it's all I have to post, "Had a tough day today" on my facebook account, or "Had a good day with ds3 today". Yes, short and sweet... but it's been all I have people!

I am not a first time parent, and while I can claim some experience with two boys, in no way do I have it all figured out. I'm finding parenting this child difficult. All that to say we've had good days and bad days. My adoption coordinator who also adopted two children from Russia, suggested that I keep a journal each day. That way I can look back two, four, and six months from now and see that the good days have begun to far outnumber the bad. I liked that idea, so tonight I went and got a journal. I'm looking forward to writing some of my own feelings, as well as some of the things I am experiencing with our little man.

The bad days have been yucky. I'm very aware of the fact that this little guy brings with him a whole slew of learned behaviors from the orphanage. His meltdowns include hitting and spitting. Not fun for this mommy, and quite frankly it stunned me the first time it happened. Naturally the caregivers did not have the time or resources to deal with this behavior. But I do. And we deal with it everytime it happens. No exceptions. Being consistent is hard, and time consuming and many times it just plain old stinks!

We have been having "time in" on mommy's lap a LOT. We always end with signing "I'm sorry" and a big deep breath for both of us, and hugs and kisses and "I love you". I know he comes with a wounded heart from abandonment and a great deal of fear and trepidation from being uprooted out of the only place he has known. My sister who has worked with emotionally hurting children shared that a lot of times he is just processing his anger, and his fear. Sometimes it's just in response to someone coming into his pretend world. Sometimes it's just defiant he doesn't want to listen to mama or he doesn't get his way, and sometimes lately I've noticed it's right after we have had a period of one on one bonding time. It's almost as if he pushes away out of fear or something. Those days are difficult there is no question about it.....


The positive days are intertwined with the rest. I think the difficult days takes more out of me.... but the journal will help me recollect the positive strides too. There are several areas where he is showing good signs of attachment and bonding. He still does not like to go to anyone but Chris, me and the boys. If someone tries to talk to him he will turn to me to be picked up and turn his head into my chest. I need to just let him be, because it's a good sign of attachment. One of my biggest joys is watching him run to Chris or myself or one of the boys. He has both arms out, running to get and give a hug. It is very sweet to see it. :-) But he doesn't like anyone else to be near him... or hold him....

This week we had to get some Xrays done at our pediatric hospital. The technician had to actually hold him. She said to me, "Mom I just need you to put him in my lap." Oh my goodness, I was thinking... "Yeah right!!" He screamed his sweet little head off.. and sobbed and sobbed. Then for another Xray he had to be held by two techs in front of a machine. We thought we were finished, but they didn't get the film they needed so we had to go back in again! Afterward when they truly were finished, I said to him "All done" and he clung to me as he repeated "All done", through huge gulps and sniffles.

One area where I have seen progress in attachment is this: Ds3 has never been rocked or cradled before in his life. I'm sure they did not at the hospital when he was born, and I'm quite sure they did not have the man power or time to rock and cradle him at the orphanage. Ds3 would flip out everytime I tried hold him in a cradle position. He had to be sitting up looking over my shoulder.... no eye contact. I was talking to a friend at church, and we agreed that the cradled position is a very scary position, because it's on your back looking into someone's face. It's a trusting position. Who can he really trust? Well, hopefully he is learning that he can trust his mama and papa.

So, I've been working on laying him back in a cradle position in my arms. He would tense and sit up for weeks and not allow it. Finally this past weekend at night after our story time, he would let me lay him back and rock him in the rocking chair as I sang to him. Tonight he hugged me after story time and then flipped right over to lay his head in the crook of my arm all by himself! That was huge! I typically spend 15-20 minutes just singing and rocking him each night. Yes, he still self soothes by sucking his finger, but sometimes he doesn't. He's still awake when I put him in his crib, and he just started saying "Mama" ever so quietly as I lay him down at night. I don't know if it's for me, or if it's the little lamb he wants with our pictures on it. I always give him the lamb and he hugs it tight. That rocking chair time at night also helps me to bond to him. Rocking and cradling him is such a sweet time we share together.

So there you go... a little of what we are dealing with going through this transition. Many times I wish we were already through it... I wish that it wasn't so daggone hard or time consuming. But then I wouldn't be learning what God intends for me to learn... which is for another post... (soon I hope).